Weight What?

About a month ago I was cleaning the bathroom and noticed a solid build up of dust on our scale.  I treated the silver metal menace with the care of 2 Clorox wipes and promptly shoved it back in the corner where it belonged.

This 12x15in square has been both a friend and foe to me for years.  Days have been MADE and hours of frustration have been lost over this little electronic gremlin.  During my younger years (we're talkin' early 20s) (oh JEEZ I now have the opportunity to talk about different parts of my 20s...) I would let this number actually configure my day.  Lower number? Good Lord, it was skips and celebration.  Higher number? Off to the gym for 8 miles on the treadmill with saltines to follow.

My activities were literally altered by what appeared on this meager little screen.  Digits of delight or despair.  Symbols of surprise or sorrow.
As I became more knowledgeable on fitness, health, and wellness, I realized my viewpoint was skewed.  See now I wouldn't let my eating habits or exercise regimen change based on a number...no, no I was HEALTHY and strong.  
So, like the healthy weight lifting gal I was, just let my self-esteem, emotions and morale be affected.

Oh good.

As I began my involvement in Bikini competitions, I let that silver gremlin take my hand once again.  For the most part, we went down a road that was pretty darn great.  Being in prep mode for almost a year with breaks of a few weeks for an "off season" enabled me to maintain a number I was pleased with.  When in prep, and that damn number was decreasing, I was psyched.

My last competition was in October 2012 and after the show, I made the decision to take a legitimate off season, one that would improve my life, my career, my health, and my longevity.  

As someone once told me, the important stuff.

I quickly realized the gremlin and I would have to part ways for a while.  Not that those silly digits were changing in drastic ways, but it was preventing me from the change in mentality my body and mind were so desperately craving.

In the corner he went and the dust ensued. What came out of the darkness however, was a new found appreciation for the elements of progress that actually...mark progress.

Energy. The curve of a deltoid. Shiny hair. A bangin' bottom. The sensation of a strong, toned body. Good cholesterol levels. Headaches decreasing. Interests blossoming to more than a perfect spray tan and acrylic nails. Craving vegetables. Clear skin. A promotion. Deeper squats. Tight waist. Good posture. 
I could go on, and on, and

These are small, sometimes silly, more so sincere, things that were on the back burner when I was focused on a statistic.

I'd like to bear in mind that tracking weight can be extremely motivating for those on a long journey.  It can be one instrumental marker in their quest for wellness.  I would never want to take away the significance of those who have lost "x" amount of weight because it usually means their well-being improved in the process as well. And kudos to that.  

What it may do for some healthy, fitness minded individuals however, is become a marker of false development and a deterrent for concrete improvement in overall wellness and  legitimate success.

It is a digit, followed by a digit...and if you're a typical human adult, another digit.
Three numbers. 

Three numbers that do not tell you who you are, your value, or how strong your mind, soul, and body really are.  The moment this marker of progress becomes a gremlin is the moment you owe it to yourself to place him in the corner. 
Take it out if and when you're ready, but always remember true progress is not measured by a numeric value, but by a life worth living...by passion, strength, laughter, and love.

Pursuit of Happiness? Finding Pleasure in the Paradox

I’m usually smiling.

I usually post comical, motivational and encouraging posts, photos, and stories.

I’m usually happy.

Except when I’m not.

Some moments I cry, some moments I cringe, and the worst are moments of indifference.  The moments when I just don’t care nor ponder the ‘whys’ of life that I love to entertain.  I used to be ashamed and slightly embarrassed to admit fatigue or discontent, believing happiness was my identity.  Instead of basking in a human emotion, I attempted to hold it down until it was suffocated, until the moment passed.

I think that this perception is pretty darn common and I’m not the only smile that feels the pressure to be happy.  

Especially lately, I've seen numerous articles on the topic-

“The Top 10 Practices of Happy People” 

“25 Things I Wish I had Known when I was 25” 

"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People"

etc…etc..

At first I gobbled it up, “yes, YES, I get it! Thank you Buzzfeed, kudos Upworthy, I am grateful, I am happy, you’re right!”

:smile, sigh, keep browsing:

goodness gracious.

I would self-reflect: how is it possible that I would feel an ounce of dissatisfaction? I eat well, exercise, and am an intelligent individual with a bright future (knock on that mahogany).  During moments of ashamed unhappiness or days that lacked motivation I would feel pressure from myself, from other upbeat pony-tailed girls, and social media outlets that made being unhappy seem WRONG.

Until it dawned on me that these are feelings that can occur just as easily and frequently as joy, love, bliss, and sadness.  It’s as part of being a human as breathing, walking, and sleeping.  The pressure to ALWAYS BE HAPPY was in turn, making me miss out on a very real emotion and bringing me down even further in the process...of being down.

I know this isn't a novel concept but it may be a notion difficult to digest for the Nike wearing, broccoli eating, ecard posting gal.  In an era where happiness is not only a right but an expectation, the pressure can in fact, work against the goal. 

Bear in mind, I absolutely believe in the spirit of the mind and I AM usually quite chipper.  Yes of course good sleep, quality nutrients, water and solid relationships can all aid in this emotional endeavor.  

But what else helps?

The occasional cry, a sporadic lazy day, and even a “ughhhdflkj;dfg!!” that may erupt at 5am on a Monday morning.  It happens and THAT’S OKAY. 

Enjoy the laughter and appreciate the tears, it’s the culmination of these special actions that make being a human so damn extraordinary. 

In the midst of making sure we’re enjoying this nutty rollercoaster of life, we often miss the ride. Hop on and put those hands up...for us lucky ones, it aint over yet.

Life gives lemons- squeeze and drink that juice in stride.

This is a bit of a long one so grab the vino or sparkling water and pop a squat.  In the past few entries I've mentioned my experience of dealing with back pain and was without any kind of answer until very recently.  So, with words that are hopefully perceived as nothing but humble, I want to share some of the journey.

I took the photo below about a month ago and about 6 hours after I found out I had a chronic disease that can not be cured with latest science.  (That sounds incredibly dramatic but since I'm newly engrossed in the series, Homeland, I enjoy a climactic tone).

Allow me to explain:
Earlier that day I had spoken with my doctor who informed me that my blood work came back with some interesting results. Firstly, (she said energetically) my cholesterol levels were outstanding with a Total level at 141. Fabulous! 

Secondly (she said hesitantly) I tested positive for the most accurate (but not final) blood test for ankylosing spondylitis, an inflammatory disease that can cause some of the vertebrae in the spine to fuse together.  Delightful.

At my preliminary appointment she had ordered this test to "rule it out" and asked me if I had heard of it.  Why yes, I laughed and said I had on Jam'n 94.5.  The commercial, an awareness message of the disease and heard on numerous radio stations, features an unnecessary creepy male voice that should be on a preview for a horror movie. So yes, I had heard of it and was happy to cross it off the list of possible causes for my back pain.

Ohhh life, you funny broad...you got me.

As first my reaction was one of hyperventilating on the phone to my very level-headed boyfriend.  Then of course, SOBBING to my understanding mother.  Many tears and a blubbering, snoze-covered face later, I realized how blessed I was and the positivity has turned the pain over 10 fold.

A few things happen when you're told you're likely to have a condition that cannot be cured (from my, personal, very limited experience).
  
1. You deal with it.  Life goes on and work must be tended to.  Chicken must be cooked and bananas must be bought.  The man at the gas station has no idea you were just given information that shattered your somewhat premature mind.  You do your laundry because you can't go commando...again.  You roll with it because life doesn't allow you to do otherwise.

2. You discover relief.  The unknown is a relentless scare.  Not knowing what was causing this pain was, I think, half the discomfort.

3. You realize, how damn lucky you are.  So it's arthritis that I will have forever.  I am not dealing with the many diseases that plague and hinder the world.  I am not visiting a doctor in the fight for my life, I am visiting a doctor in the fight for my COMFORT...how lucky am I to live in a place where my genuine comfort is essential.

4. You discover the power of positive psychology and the undeniable mind body connection.  This power will amaze me for the rest of my life.  Once I met with my doctor and she informed me that not only is an active lifestyle of weight lifting and cardio-based movement okay, it's prescribed, it felt like my body had been given permission to feel better.  Once the mind is given information and the mentality changes with it, the body can adjust as well.  When I worked out and felt discomfort, it wasn't as painful knowing I couldn't further hinder my body.

The combination of these realizations have produced some incredible results I didn't think possible only weeks prior.  The choice to accept, to give gratitude and not spite, to physically move and not surrender, was not a hard one.  I am lucky enough to have an innately positive mind and this happened to be a test not only for my consciousness, but my physical body as well.  To my surprise and amazement, the two worked in a seamless unit like a freaking tandem bicycle.  The pain has been accepted and pushed and my body hasn't felt this healthy in 8 months.

The pain is certainly still present and in a way I hope it always is.  On good days when I'm able to workout I literally lift and GRIN from the genuine joy of movement.  The appreciation of action is not sincere until it's taken away.  On hard days when the pain is too strong, I revel in the other characteristics that make me, ME...not just counting on my disciplined workouts for proof of what I offer as a human being.  

The body will always amaze me and the mind always has.  To experience the power of the two working together in the way that I have is a lesson I thank my lucky stars for.  

After the tears were brushed off and the snoze-covered face cleaned, what was left was me.  An eager smile ready for the next step... and thankful for the ability to take it.