My Life, My Passion.

I've been in my offseason now for a month.  After enjoying a few days of exciting pictures, a glorious tan, and deserved treats, I entered the inevitable transition into the other half of this competition lifestyle: improvement season.  This transition is always hard as the big picture is a little fuzzy and the goal in mind doesn't have a specific calendar date to it.

This transition is a hard one for my body and an incredibly difficult one for my mind.  For a couple weeks both my body and brain feels puffy as it tries to sort through the new weight it's carrying: on my body, really quite little...on my mind, pretty darn heavy.

I want to be incredibly honest for myself to grow as a person and to hopefully help others if they experience this as well.  I want to talk about it to really share my appreciation for this lifestyle.

I have dealt with food apprehension and an eating disorder for most of my life.  While I have been fortunate enough to reach a point of general satisfaction with myself and my body most of the time, my uncertainty flares up during this transition.  For an individual like myself, someone who thrives on control, deprivation, and restraint; being in prep is comfortable.  I love challenging my body in a way that feels psychologically "right."  This may not make sense to a lof of people but it is a part of me that I deal with.

The transition into an offseason is difficult...it involves more food and some weight gain, less cardio, and more freedom.  This is very much welcomed by "normal" people.  This makes someone like me a bit nervous.  What I am realizing each and everyday however, is the NECESSITY of it.  Understanding that my body needs this is vital for my long-term success as both a bikni competitor and a healthy invidual.

If I hadn't found this "hobby", this passion that drives me, I don't know where I would be in terms of my health or psychological status.  It is very easy for someone like myself to fall into unhealthy eating, depletion, and weight loss.  But I have goals.  And I have an ultimate dream that doesn't have time for such things.  I want SO badly to be a successful bikini competitor and fitness model that I can't do those harmful things.

These goals may sound petty or superficial but I thank God that I have them.  They save me each day that I feel insecure and don't want to eat.  They save me each time I step on the scale and see a higher number.  They save me each time I doubt the necessary days off from the gym. 

I write and talk about this lifestyle so much because it is fun and at times, even comical.  As you can see now however, I also talk about it because it saves me from the darker parts of myself and helps me grow to a place I wasn't sure I'd be able to reach.  I believe in it whole-heartedly and with sincere passion. 

It's a continuous battle but one I know I'll win.  My insecurities are far, far smaller than my dreams.  I hope others that relate to this feeling take comfort knowing that they're not alone.  With each rep, step, bite, and smile, we'll reach our goals.  This lifestyle has been a life saver for me and I truly hope I can help others reach this point of appreciation and peace that I am continuing to achieve:)