Muddlin' Lemons

A flat tire on a rainy morning leads to the positively minded gal to wink at her AAA ally which subsequently prompts ally to ask her to coffee, the same place he will propose 398 days later.

The teacher, told his contract did not get approved by the school board takes a sip from the half full mug on his desk, looks at the screensaver of Machu Picchu on his laptop and books a flight for September.

These are the characters we love, the ones who took a look at the magnet on the fridge this morning and said, "yeh! when life gives me lemons I will..."

It's easy to subscribe to the lemons into liquid bliss philosophy, it's not so easy to put into practice.  In fact, it's innately easier to show others our lemons and ask them to take a small bite of the bitter rind with you.
It really is a decision to take a wedge, look at that yellow B and juice it into something great.

I usually pride myself on being a positive presser.  Whether by nature or nurture, my sippy cup desires to never be empty.  And usually, the guilt mixed with personal disdain when it is not tends to keep it full. Perspective is beautiful and necessary but can lead to some serious emotional confusion.

I am far from the first to ask but recent events prompt query-

How many lemons 'til your basket is just too full?
How big can these lemons get before we can catch a break?
Will this lemon here even fit into the juicer?
 Is there a universal maximum allotted weight per bushel?

Of course not.  All these questions are relative to the pomologist holding the basket.

                                                                           ***

I had booked and retrieved an emergency flight for my west coast living best friend last Friday, sharing in her emotional grief, I was prepared to spend the week caring for her crisis.

I got news my Grandma wasn't doing well Monday.

Found myself hospitalized with an IV of fluids in my arm on Tuesday.

My Grandma passed away on Wednesday.

I've spent the last 4 days wandering in a land of physical and emotional exhaustion.  When I've been moved to seek some silver lining I find myself thinking of my Grandma's manicured hands and the slow, thoughtful way she'd nod her head.  When I take my dog for a walk to hopefully attain some physical empowerment, I have to stop at the top of the hill, still labored from the dehydration.

I just can't seem to make lemonade.

Now, there are heartaches and sorrow so deep they can't be minimized to lemons.  I am not in a war torn country.  I do not have a chronically ill child.  I feel the need to recognize that I recognize that.  But...I've got a barrel of some pretty tart lemons.
I've talked about the paradox of happiness, that is, a societal and personal pressure to be happy that results in confusion, guilt and unhappiness when felt otherwise.  This relates.
I know I should make some lemonade.  That key-chain sure says I should.  I want to but... I've found myself asking, what do we do with lemons that are just not ready to be pressed into lemonade?

We muddle.

These cute buoyant sayings.  Watering the grass you're standing on.  Falling down seven times, standing up eight.  They have an immediate need to fix.  To take the negative rust and abracadabra it into the silver lining.  Because of these sayings, I feel I should be getting out my juicer, right?

Now, maybe if there was a week between the lemons.  Or it was a professional lemon paired with a personal one.  Or a physical lemon combined with a logistical annoying lemon, things would be different.  Maybe the barrel could be picked up.  But sometimes the barrel is just too much.

Sometimes it's just a little too tight or a little too frequent and...that's okay.
Sometimes you just need to look at your tub of tart treasures and muddle 'em.  Live in them.  Think about them.  Cry about them.  Laugh at them.
As unromantic as it sounds, sometimes life is a little less about juicing it than it is about sloshing through it.

While we go through these sloshing seasons of life, I do implore you to recognize moments of sugar.  A friend who drives an hour to bring natural remedies.  A stranger's smile as they wait for your slow crossing of the street.  A naturally erupting laugh you didn't know was surfacing.

While a cup of sugar may be days away, these subtle sprinkles add up.

Until we can truly realize, once again...ain't life sweet?

The Day I Watched 9 Episodes of Downton Abbey

That's not an exaggeration. 
And, if I'm gonna level with ya, that's not all. 
But, "The 2 and a half days I watched 11 episodes of Downton, 5 episodes of Mad Men & paired 4 bottles of wine with 4 bags of popcorn" doesn't quite present the same literary aesthetic.

You see, it all started when I injured my neck Sunday morning.  I was attempting a classic female move equivalent to the tuck and roll.  The freshly applied makeup was combating with the already assembled ponytail as I tried to get on my sweatshirt. 
We've all been there.  Where instead of taking the .05 seconds it may take to reassemble either feature, the tuck and roll is assumed.  What follows is turtle-like maneuver where the neck submerges into the spine, twisting while doing so, in an effort to save time and frustration by not messing up said makeup NOR ponytail. 

On most days, this ever-so practical jig results in a couple curse words, a mouthful of cotton and the inevitable need to take .05 seconds to revert what you just attempted to avoid.

On this Sunday morning however, my smeared face emerged from the sweatshirt and I looked over to the....oh fudgicles.
I wasn't looking over anything.  That son of a bee sting was as stuck as brownies to a pan.

After initial attempts to remedy proved ineffective, I assumed the position.
Couch.  Heating pad.  Gaze straight forward.  Right at the Crawleys, the goblets, the English countryside and all other visuals that would become my world for 2 days (err, 2 and a half).

By hour 3 I assumed I had bed sores.  I never sit that long except to sleep and even then I channel my inner Mexican jumping bean.  I had become one with the couch, the living room and the things I tend to avoid in vast quantity the large majority of the time. 
I didn't even TRY to use my time effectively or healthfully. 
Respond to emails?  Oh hell naw, not when Cousin Violet is pissed heir Matthew is going to get the family's fortune. 
Write a blog?  Psssh, don't we all know you can't type and put pretzels in your mouth at the same time? 
READ? Why make my eyes do more work than necessary and honestly, isn't there something to be said about knowing English aristocracy and America's early ad agencies policy on day drinking?

I did.not.give.a.fork.
Well that's not true.  I gave a fork to my pasta and a spoon to my ice cream.

Because that's the other thing, I was ravenous.  My body, who is normally running alongside my mind in an effort to keep up with demands, wiping her freckled forehead on an Umbro sweatband while throwing rice cakes at her commander, had stopped.  And she had stopped on the side of the road and had found her way into a 24hr diner.  Without the structure of a normal day (or at least one that sees daylight and you like, do things) I was a one hungry little hippo.

My normal foods, in typical quantities, just weren't doing the trick.  It's a good thing I was physically unable to go to the grocery store cus I would've Supermarket Sweeped the shite outta Shaws.  Sitting there after a 1/2cup of oats with peanut butter, watching Lady Grantham dine with her comrades, I'd think of how good some leftover chicken and rice would be.  And BBQ sauce because, hey, delish. Let's grab some nuts for a crunch, which pairs very well with popcorn.  And then after savory, I'd need a sweet to cap it all off.  And thus continues the cycle.
When you don't go anywhere, don't move and don't participate in anything besides British humor, eating almost feels constant.  And the thing was, on Sunday, I did not currrr.

On Monday my neck was still jacked up, my emotions were slightly dampened and my hunger decided to stick along for the ride.   I assumed the position once again, claiming a shower the success of the day.

Tuesday I woke up feeling like a bloated sloth and about as productive as one without thumbs.  The range of motion in my neck had improved to the point where I could likely drive to a chiropractor appointment in the city and, fingers crossed, maybe even brush my teeth.  I naturally started the day on the heat pad and flicked on the tube.

However, something funny started to happen as I went to click the center "Play" button of our Firestick (uh obviously I want to watch another...dafuq Amazon we know each other now). 
I started to get, antsy.  I started to feel curious about the world outside my chaise lounge.  I wanted water and fresh air.  My ingrained habits were surfacing, pleading for oxygen and something other than an English matriarch's approval of ball gowns.

But here's the funny thing- while my old habits were itching, my new ones were dangling on.  Getting up, stretching my legs, extending what was now a very full stomach and unmotivated mind was...tough.  It took a wee bit-o-effort to get my slow moving arse in gear and it wasn't just because of the physical limitations.

So some lessons learned from my horizontal hiatus.
Habits are hard to break.  My ingrained desires could only be suppressed for so long before my ponytail sought some spunk.  And on the flip side, the desire to embrace"nothingness" can be damn powerful too.

And alas, allow me to state the obvious...both are needed.  If I thought I was balanced, this popcorn fueled reprieve proved otherwise.  Ya can't go 110mph and expect to get good gas mileage (that makes sense my auto aware friends right?) and you can't feel powerful when you're constantly idling at 0 (again, yes?). 

I've learned it's not just productivity, sweat and discipline that fuels the tank, sometimes you need to move on over to the slow lane and let others pass you, throw that window down, let in some TLC...you'll still arrive at your destination and you'll be happier when you do.

How to Be Healthier in The New Year (*cue eye roll*)

If you haven't felt bombarded by blogs, headlines, posts and articles about HOW TO BE HEALTHIER THIS NEW YEAR, chances are you're still enjoying that celebratory ball-dropping coma that was induced on Sunday.  Because if even I (like, someone who really likes broccoli and has trail mix in her purse) is annoyed, chances are, a normal bloke is about 2 eye-rolls away from cross-eyed irritation.

I would be a bit hypocritical if I took the standard Personal Trainer route of suggestions: start small...establish SMART goals (and write them down!)...drink more water...get 8 hours of sleep...FOOD PREP!...turn off electronics after 8pm...do you have a gratitude journal?...stretch in the morning...kale...dandelion chili...water infused with the laughter of children...

Okay so I'm getting a bit sassy but the truth is, those things, while sincerely applicable, appropriate and admirable, are just a bit too...generic and well...irritating for me (insert monkey covering eyes emoji).

See, most people with New Year goals are just hopeful cherubs tryin' to to do their best.  And telling someone who would really like to be healthier that swapping out their egg and sausage breakfast wrap for a green flax smoothie is the only way to do it is a bit shortsighted.  While this time of year is advantageous for professionally motivated, fitness-minded knuckleheads like me, it's not easy to subscribe to an entirely different lifestyle just because the clock struck midnight.

So...here's an unconventional list of less-than-obvious ways you can simply FEEL BETTER this New Year.  Because while Kale, Granite & Birch Bark smoothies are awesome (again sorry, slightly sassy this morning), enjoying them isn't gonna happen overnight...and before you throw your health goals to the wayside, give these whimsical little helpers a try.

• Open Your Window- yea, like while driving or for a few minutes at the office.  I know it's as cold as a penguin's tux out there but a cool blast of air will feel damn good.

• Say, "Thank You"- to the barista, your husband, that grumpy post man, the old woman who parked too close to you...be over-the-top with your vocal gratitude.

• Read...Something- I don't care if it's the flyer on the back of the cafe's bathroom door.  Take a few minutes to read something other than a caption.  If you're feeling extra ambitious, give a, gulp, BOOK a whirl.                                                      Some all time favs: Magical Thinking, Prep, The Nightingale, What Remains, 'Tis and anything by Elin Hilderbrand.

• Use Mints- and feel sophisticated as fork.

• While You're At It- drink some Earl Grey Tea one morning and start the day feeling like the slightly rundown, TJ Maxx wearing version of the Queen.

• Keep a Toothbrush at Work- feeling sleepy and less than stellar around 2pm?  Brush those chompers and feel freshtadeath.

• Chuck It- take 20 minutes each to throw out the wilting lettuce cropped in '99, donate the clothes you haven't worn since Fabolous was fabulous and dump out that junk drawer...you don't need 37 broken paperclips.

• Buy a Swiffer Duster- one swipe of that magic wand across a bookshelf will make you feel like Tidy betch.

• Change Your Clocks- no, we're not there yet but setting your clocks 4 minutes ahead will guarantee a more prompt (and less frenzied) departure.  Got used to accounting for such extra time?  Better make it 10.

• Small Talk- is not as pointless as thought to be.  You know the extra friendly CVS cashier who is enthralled by the weather?  Do more than smile and nod.  Practice with me,  "well nothing can compare to the snow 2 years ago right!" You'll make Maude's day.

• Pet a Dog- uh, duh.

• Call Your Mom- uh, also duh.

Like I said, a little anti-climactic but guaranteed (by...well...yours truly;)) to make you feel just a bit better.  And yaknow, feeling better is the first step to feeling great.

A Short Goodbye...and a big 'ELLO!

Well, well, well, this may be my last post here on the ol’ Blogspot and it’s for a very good reason.  

While this platform was able to host numerous words, thoughts, and ramblings, it does not quite have the capacity to withstand all of my craziness, passion, and energy.

I will be moving my brain and excitement to another stage: a website!  My very own domain in cyberspace…I feel like a wireless sorceress just thinking about it.

I found while writing I wanted to share what I made for dinner last night…

and an awesome at-home workout…

and what kind of peanut butter makes your taste buds feel like they’re being hugged.  

So I attempted to change the template, the sidebars, the features, the colors, the format...all in an effort to FIT it all. 

Well turns out I know nothing about the internet, websites, or how the heck to do what I was trying to do.  I did acknowledge from all this tomfoolery that I needed something more.  It made sense (in my virtually confused blonde brain) because what I was currently using was, well, free.  

Maybe THAT’S why people opt for websites…because they can do more with it…ohhhhh.

So I turned to a friend of nearly 20 years who is absolutely killin’ it in the realm of cyber activity and she was, in a word, superwoman.  She took my thoughts, my images, my ideas, and my energy and translated it into a stage of virtual awesomeness.  Krista, you vivacious, witty, brilliant brunette, thank YOU.

So what’s this website? 

www.whenthetanfades.com

(really changed things up I know)

I look forward to seeing you all on the other side of the browser where you will find photos, recipes, workouts, inspiration, and yes, this here blog.  I can’t thank you enough for reading my whimsical thoughts and hope you will continue to frolick with me:)

Tenacious or Tacky? A message of female strength I just can't lift.

I recently watched a short video that promoted female power, hard work, and success.  

I cringed the entire time.

While the intended message was something I get pretty freaking pumped about and like to encourage myself, the delivery was something I couldn't stop shaking my ponytail at.

The title of the video was “Bitch in Business” and was a musical parody of the popular pop song “All about that Bass.” 

(watch it here, please note language not suitable with kiddos in the room).

I suppose it was intended to endorse gender equality, encourage strong female leadership in the professional/business world, and address the issue that women who take the bull by the horns are often called the big ol’ B word. 

Some of the lyrics state, “gettin’ called bitch means I’m doing something right” as well as “you say babies are for girls, business is for boys, try telling that to my stay-at-home *uck toy.”  The video also included the female actresses (dressed in professional office attire) grabbing their body parts to emphasize the message and some of their points.

I know this is a favored mindset in pop-culture (and I may be in the minority for thinking this) but I can’t quite think of a worse way to promote female leadership.  

To state that a woman who chooses to use these words, is unapologetic, and gets called a *itch is a role model is, to me, horribly unintelligent, short-sighted, and cheap.  

There is a difference between being strong-willed and crass.  A difference between being influential and forceful.  A difference between being someone you unfortunately remember and someone you don’t want to forget.

The opposition that the women in this parody combat sound like horrible professionals as well.  The video states that they call their female colleagues derogatory names, ask them to overlook prompted questions, and negatively suggest that they use alternative tones when speaking. 

To my ears and eyes, the video is portraying two sides of the same uninspiring “professional.”

There is a way to achieve professional success that does not include either of the personalities described above.  A way that does not include crude behavior, negative opinions of the opposite sex, or vulgar words. 

This is not a suggestion to be prude or uptight.  It’s a suggestion to teach ourselves (and ESPECIALLY those following in our footsteps) that success, wealth, position, and prosperity is best attained with hard work, integrity, intelligence, poise, and respect. 

That to apologize is sometimes necessary.  

That being a kind human is not submissive, it’s respectful.  

That using articulate, insightful, and intelligent words is far more honorable than using expletives and grabbing private body parts.

Before you may ask, I know full well what it's like to live and work in a professional space very much like what this video illustrates.  I am currently 1 of 2 females in a sales office with 16 men.  90% of the time I'm the only female in a boardroom with a dozen males and have conversations with the opposite sex FAR more often than my own.

I get it, I'm not naive.

What I don't understand is the mentality that the females in the video describe.  That they feel they need to use lewd, unattractive vocabulary to promote equality.  That they feel being apologetic at times is unacceptable and being "hard" or a "badass bitch" is inspiring.

I hope my future children don't aspire to a be a "bad ass *itch who doesn't give a sh*t " but that's just me.  I hope they don't think that women have two options: meekly submit or forcefully oppose.  I hope that they don't think that resisting a viewpoint is best matched by using the same measures of their opposition. 

I don't usually highlight something that doesn't have to do with fitness, peanut butter, or food but this really struck me and warranted rambling.  

And it does have something to do with our little fitness world.  Time and again I see a woman describing herself as a "badass bitch who doesn't give a *uck what other people think." (usually in relation to women with muscle "fighting" stereotypes).  You're not fighting, you're using vocabulary that makes you look unintelligent.  Pony up, understand people have different viewpoints, and rock what your momma gave you because YOU love it.  Not because other people don't.

I hope more women (and men) realize that we're human.  That yes inequality exists (in the weight room and in the boardroom) but you're not doing any favors to your intended cause by opposing it in a disrespectful way.

Grab your heels, sneakers, purses, briefcases, and brains and realize that there's something better than being a bad ass *itch and it's called being an intelligent human.

Dessert, Wine, and a GPS- how to plan on making 2015 one heckofa year.

I don’t want to miss the opportunity to write about the New Year since everyone and their mom (hi ma!) likes to offer some kind of insight around this time:

New Year, New You.  

Resolutions to Change Your Life.  

How to Make 2015 YOUR Year.

The thing is, I don’t know how to change your life.  I’ve got my own over here I’m trying to figure out.  I could tell you 5 foods to eat in 2015, how to get rid of those love handles, or what kind of bikini bottom to wear onstage but I don’t know if that’s what you need.  

I have no idea what will make you happier or more successful in 2015.

That’s going to take some work on your end. 

I took a look at 15 (I couldn’t quite handle 2, 015) things that could potentially enhance my quality of life in  the New Year.  I already know I’m probably going to tackle a career change, plan a wedding, apply for house mortgages, and car loans so what small things can I implement that will make these big changes enjoyable?

These are mine, yours will be different.  

I am Courtney, an easily anxious, energetic woman that really enjoys peanut butter and procrastinates showering. We are different and your goals will, and should, be different.  

These will change my life, yours will change yours.

1. Buy a $30 bottle of wine.  

I am 27 and I work hard.  I am going to cheers myself with a quality beverage and enjoy the flavors of the best fruit known to mankind.

2. Write.

I love this shite...words and finding out where they should go.  However, I think of it in a way similar to cleaning- hard to get started but loving the result.  Ello swiffer.

3. Make (with an OVEN and/or STOVE) dinner once a week.  

I typically grab oats, egg whites, or the leftover chicken my fiancé has made for dinner.  I feel a sense of nourished accomplishment when I put something together that takes more than a microwave.  So call me Julia and hand me that spatula, I’m going to do it.

4. Buy and use skin cream. 

 I’m Irish and I tanned in artificial UV rays for about 5 years. ‘nough said.

5. Go out to dinner by myself.  

I want to sit and enjoy my company.  If you see a blond ponytail giggling to herself over lobster tail, just walk by (and perhaps give a heads up about the butter on my chin.)

6. Check my voicemail.  

I have a voicemail notification 99% of the time.  And I don’t check it.  I literally look at a little red notification 364 days out of the year.  And it gives me anxiety.  JUST CHECK IT.

7. Eat a dessert that isn’t non/low fat.  

I always opt for the lighter option- I will eat something that can be considered “decadent” by a grownup palate in 2015.

8. Stretch.  

In the grocery line, at the bank, watching TV.  I’m more comfortable when I do…it’s time to straddle, squat, lean, and lower and it's time to do it regularly.

9. Write letters.  

I love sending and getting paper freaking envelopes.  I’m sharpening my quill now.

10. Date my fiancé.  

The best thing in my entire life was falling in love with this big, friendly giant of a man…I will date him in the new year and I will date him hard.

11. Clean my car.  

Even once would be more than what it got in 2014.

12. Smile at strangers.  

For a cheerful person I usually give the guy looking my way the most unattractive look I can muster.  Chill, he’s probably looking at the corvette behind you, just smile.

13. Get gas before the tank light comes on.  

I know how much better I feel when I do yet I NEVER do.  Why? Irving here I come.

14. Play with my dog.  

I pet her, snuggle her, and Instagram her, but I don’t often PLAY.  She is only here for so long and legitimately only cares about 1 thing- loving us.  Time to make that tail wag.

15. Trust my GPS.  

I usually think I am smarter than GoogleMaps.  I’m not and I get lost and angry.  2015 will be the year of direction (heh).

What will change your life?  What will make your days easier or more fulfilling?  What will allow you to breathe a bit more and worry a little less?

We all have the big goals, the life changing events, and the monumental moments.  To help us enjoy, appreciate, and feel GOOD in the everyday I suggest taking a look at the Little.  The small stuff.  The mundane. 

I can see the appeal of those articles promising to change your life…but they don’t know you.  They don’t know what needs changing.  Take a little lookski at yourself and don’t stress about making it the best year of your life…let’s just start with making it pretty damn good.

Planking with a Puppy on Your Head

I pushed an ear out of my mouth and attempted to wipe a dripping line of slobber off my neck.

WOOOF!

She was relentless.  I was too.

I stiffened my plank as a paw landed on my shoulder blade.  She nudged, I held on.  15 seconds left.

A headbutt to the face then a literal butt to the face.

The timer hit my goal and I dropped to the ground, much to her excitement.  The barking began and got aggressively louder as I walked to the dumbbell on my living room floor.

 I realized the slobber was not unique to my neck and my hand slipped on the wet piece of metal. 

Seinfeld was on as a hopeful distraction to the bouncing ball of fur.  A load of laundry was in the wash. Sweet potatoes in the oven.  If all went as planned I would finish my workout as the timer went off and would fold laundry while they cooled.

It didn't and the oven began to buzz mid squat.

The smell of taters putting the pawed princess in a spud-induced frenzy.

Sweets out, back to the squat, barking resuming.

This was far, far from the workout I had planned for this particular Tuesday.  I had my gym bag packed the night prior, exercise plan from my coach printed, and pre-workout consumed at perfect timing.

But life is not perfect and I was home bound after the work day, my plan to hit the gym dismantled.

Sigh.

This is an overworked theme and one that’s been exhausted by Health and Fitness magazines, personal trainers, and exercise bloggers.  But…I will venture- sometimes I get asked the question, “how do you find the time?”

My helpful answer is sometimes, I don’t.

Sometimes I literally do not have time in my 24 hours to go to the gym for the workout I have planned.  Sometimes the tricks, tips, and suggestions by aforementioned sources do not work. 

Sometimes your kid gets sick and you need to pick them up early, feed them antibiotics on the hour, and get to the second kid’s school just in time for them to start throwing up in your Volvo.

Sometimes you have meetings until 7pm, a phone call with a crying friend that lasts until 9 and use the last ten minutes before your head hits the pillow to toss something in your piehole before you perish.

Sometimes you have a 12 hour work day, a doctor’s appointment at lunch, and get your car inspected before you get (another) ticket.

In my opinion, these aren't excuses, they’re life.  Other posts and articles may say there are NO excuses.  I say sometimes you don’t have the damn time.

What I have found, is that you may not have the time for your workout.  

But you do have the time to do something.  

Unless you are strapped to a chair with a straightjacket for 24 hours, there is usually time in your day to do something.

What is something?  For the day described above, something was a plank/squat duet while cooking sweet potatoes, doing laundry, watching Seinfeld, and being home for a puppy that was alone all day.

Something may be 10 quick air squats in the bathroom at work.

Something may be lunging down the hall in your office building.

Something may be going up and down the stairs 5 times every other hour.

Something may be parking in the furthest spot in the ginormous mall parking lot while you’re doing last minute holiday shopping.

Maybe it’s 10 pushups while making dinner.  Or tricep dips on your kitchen chair while sending emails.  Or stretching your hamstrings while waiting for your dog to pee.

My point is, there is ALWAYS time to do something to enhance your health. 

It may not be the leg workout you had planned.  It may not be 30 minutes of high intensity intervals.  It may not be the 5k you were planning on crushing. 

I am obviously an advocate for planned exercise regimens.  I think they're great and very effective.  I think everyone should have a "plan" of some sort.

But life often has a change in plans.  Life doesn't always fully understand I need a hack squat machine to build my derriere.

There are excuses, there are reasons to not go to the gym or accomplish your desired exercise.

There are not, however, reasons to fully and completely abandon your body as a vessel that can move.

Implement something in a day full of life's everythings.

Whether it's a sick kid, a doctor's appointment, a crying friend, or a 15 hour work day, comically acknowledge there's always something you can do.

Even if, there's a puppy on your head.