I haven't seriously thought of, approached, or contemplated a new blog post since January. While laptops, computers, my fingers, and keyboards have certainly been present in those 10 months, my zest for writing about all things fitness were set on the back burner. With a new, high-stress job, a lower back that would rival a 90 year olds and a couple of cross-state moves, I was left with many questions about my new identity and not a whole lot of time to answer them.
A lot happens in 10 months. Especially with the delightful trifecta of situations listed above. During my last blog post in January I was living in New Hampshire, working at a Steak and Seafood Restaurant and looking for a career oriented job. I had ample time to do whatever the hell I wanted. For me, that was working out for a few hours of the day, reading fitness blogs and magazines, cooking my clean foods, making fun recipes, taking pictures of my dog and working for a few hours a night. My hardest decisions were chunky or smooth and triceps or quads. Life was GREAT.
Overnight I moved to Boston, began a fast-paced job where 12 hour days were the norm, and wondered why I had ever responded to that damn job ad. No longer did I have time to contemplate if I should have 1 or 2 tablespoons of peanut butter...if I had 30 seconds it was lid off, spoon in, get that fuel down. I would workout before work or after work, or between work, taking any time I could to get it in. I was in over my little noggin and thought longingly over the days when I had time to peruse stage bikinis online. Real life hit me like a dumbbell to the head.
A few months into this real life escapade, my increasingly sore back became rather immobile. I woke up sore and went to bed wincing. As a competitor, I love feeling muscle soreness...this was muscle wrongness. With limited workouts, long days, and sincere fatigue, I became unhapy with myself and rather frustrated with this foreign body I was living in. My workouts were my source of happiness, a way to break up the day and relieve the stress that had piled on my deltoids...now they were decreased to Physical Therapy exercises, stretching, and eye rolls.
I was left with the question..."WHO AM I?!"
My perceived identity was shifting and I was not the happiest little camper about it. A considerable part of who I thought I was was changing- I could no longer PHYSICALLY be the girl who worked out for 2 hours a day and had a competition every season (God forbid.)
I could no longer measure my fitness success in squatting a heavier weight, sprinting a faster mile and completing more pushups than I had before. I wasn't able to get up at 5am, whip on my sneakers, and shoot out for a quick run. Each "workout" (yes air quotes because I'm still a taaad disgruntled) consisted of a lengthy amount of foam rolling, stretching, and PT exercises that took a substantial amount of time and didn't result in a whole lot of satisfaction.
Such, such, trivial problems in the world. I understand, realize, and acknowledge that. My "problem" is potatoes to so many others. However, it's all relative. In order to make myself the best individual I can be in the world, I needed to come to peace with the situation. I've decided, and am absolutely still learning everyday, that this is one heck of a life lesson.
So I've answered: who am I now?
I am lucky.
I am a woman with a career who has never worked so hard in her life. I am a daughter to the most incredible mother in the world. I am the best friend of over 15 years to the most passionate, hilarious soul in the universe. I am the girlfriend to the sweetest, gentlest man I've ever met. I am a mature adult who can slowly pay off school loans that I never thought I'd be able to afford. I am a clean eater who loves whole, real food and sharing this dedication with others. I am the owner of a smile that I love sharing and helps on the days when I don't want to grin. I am hilarious to no one but myself with a sense of humor that keeps me giggling when the internal light gets a bit dim.
I am a student of life and health, of recognizing that well-being is whole-being.
And ultimately, this journey is teaching me that I am strong-
physically as I've always desired and now mentally, as I've always been meant to be.
